For me, the years 2015 going into 2016 was a time of reckoning. Astrologically or astronomically (as may be the case) I had some mind altering experiences. Mind altering in the true sense of the word. Things happened to me and I did things that I would never have imagined possible for myself. A LOT of this was beyond my control. It was almost as if the universe had taken charge of the reigns of my life and I had to just sit back and enjoy(?) the ride.
It was both heavenly highs and hellish lows. Looking back now, it almost feels like an out of body experience. I will not go into the details here, however I will say that the last one and half year has been the most eye-opening time of my life. I am well aware that this mysterious set of events about which I am talking now, may never happen to me again. But these things happened to me for a reason and I would like to remember and cherish the learnings from this time forever.
I am LOVED
This is the one enduring message that I will like to carry throughout my life. I am a person of worth, not just to myself, but to others as well. I am beloved. I could literally feel the warm cocoon of love all over me in the last few months. It took a while to get used to, I must admit. There was a lot of self doubt and mis representation of self worth. But when I realised it, I let it be, I let it flow, I did not question it anymore. I am loved. I always have been loved. I always will be loved.
I am WORTHY
Now again, this would seem like a retelling of the previous point. But it is not. I have always been doubtful of my abilities and what I bring to the table, so to speak. Always fumbling about what I do and how I add up to anything of worth – I used to be pained when anyone asked me what I did. I felt like an imposter. The last few months have taught me that I am not an imposter. I am real. I am indeed the real deal. There are things that I can do, things that I can accomplish for others, as well as for myself that add up to a lot of wonderfulness. I am grabbing this feeling of worthiness – embracing it and allowing it to take me as far as it can. There is no limit to the opportunities that my worth will bring to me. Yes, I will have to figure out a way to best choose how to use my gifts. But gifts I have many and I am proud, grateful and humbled by them.
My BODY is wonderful
This is certainly a revelation that has taken a while coming. I have been a body shamer for far too long to realise that my body is in fact the most wonderful thing. It took love to realise that my body was also loveable. I had in fact written a blog post on falling in love with my body after taking a nude selfie. But that was a momentary realisation which again had got clouded by the old script of ‘dislike’. I learnt how to love my body again, how to take care of it, respect it, dress it and help it be the nurturer, the protector and the lover. In fact, now my main aim in the next few years is to take care of this gift and make it feel the love that it so deserves.
I have limited TIME
With people. Period. I lost my father earlier this year and it made me realise that I had probably spent a total of 25 years with him actively present in my life, and another 10 as a distant voice on the telephone. That’s it. He’s gone now. I have two children of my own who will soon be in college and move out of home. That means, I probably have another couple of years to be an active presence in their lives (Of course I still want to be present when they go about doing their adulting things! But I am talking about the really precious few years when the family unit is still parent/child based). It is this time that I want to be an aware presence in their lives and not just be the mother who gets things done. The next few years, you bet – I will be awake as I can be, especially to the little people who I brought into this world.
The WORLD is WIDE
And I want to see it. I don’t fancy myself an explorer – but every once in a while I do like getting lost. Getting uprooted. There really is nothing better than a little bit of unease to push ourselves into finding capabilities within ourselves that we didn’t know existed. I am looking forward to intermittent bouts of losing myself – because I know that it eventually will lead me to finding myself.